Whichever words that come will be the right words. The words that don’t come where not meant to spoken yet. Or maybe even meant to be forgotten.
I feel so stuck in my writing these days. I used to be able to spill out words like a stream of water. Words that made sense, reached people and made an impact. And then somebody told me… “you should start a blog to share this with people”.
I thought this was a great idea and a way for me to share my light. And so I did. And ever since that day the words didn’t flow anymore. They didn’t come to me naturally. Because you know what? I wrote whatever came to mind. Without thinking, without consulting, without filtering, rewriting, censuring. I wrote in whatever language I thought in, at that specific time and I didn’t care about what others might think, because not many people were reading it anyway.
Sometimes my stories came to me in English, but honestly, my best stories were written in Dutch. A harsh language, but a language in which I can express myself in detail. I know what every word means and how much weight or importance to give it. A nuance I lack in other languages I speak (English, Spanish).
This was the spark of my doubt about how to present myself to the outside world in my path of finding a balance between doing what I love and making a living. I thought if I wanted to reach an audience big enough to be able to support me in making my living, my communication had to be done in English. I needed to spread my chances, my options, my opportunities.. because making a living as a herbalist is hard… and still sometimes seems impossible from my current outlook. And so I tried writing only in English. Not my native tongue, and even though my English is fairly good, it will never express all my facets in emotion, connection, and spirituality the same way as I can in Dutch.
There is another facet that comes into play… the Dutch people. The Dutch people, like the Dutch language, are sturdy folk. We don’t do many nuances in public, and we don’t really express feelings the way people from -for example the south of Europe- do. We have a lot of words to describe those feelings, but getting into touch with them is a whole other ballgame. Our hyper-busy culture lacks so much room for letting things be, that it drove me to another -more slow-paced- county. So would my words resonate with Dutch people at all?
Ohh hello, Self-Doubt my teacher, my friend, it’s good to see you again, but can you please fuck off after you’ve had your coffee and biscuit? Why are you here this time? What should I come to see?
So with all this in mind, I wonder how I can keep true to my thoughts, words, both in the wisdom and in the silly things that run through my mind, body, and soul. All these things I want to share with others that are seeking, just like me.
Should I share in English, in Dutch, or perhaps even in my beginner Spanish to reach the people that are physically closer to me? Should I share in all three languages or focus at the one that I am native in? And how do I let the pressure of writing something good go? Do I need to widen my view or narrow it down to a specific group of people that I can then reach with great intensity and detail?
Since the day I said I started a blog I didn’t publish a single blog post that reflects who I truly am or what I want to do for other people. I know it’s a journey to put yourself out there. But to me, it just screams: take your blog down. Share whenever you want to share on Insta but take away this hurdle you are trying to crawl over like if you were a turtle with a drinking problem.
What do you think I should do to get my story out there? My wisdom shared out there in the world with you where it is needed?